Ive never felt more alone in my whole life.

Nobody will come.

2009.

Was the best year of my life.

Despite everything shit that happened the first few months, things wouldnt be the same without those months. Im not going to do a review of the year, just point out a few things that meant alot to me.

I finished my first college course. I made loads of mates in it, and I still talk to alot of them, which is cool.

I started running shows, which went real well too. I wish I was still doing it.

I saw Brand New in Glasgow, with some of the best lad. It was class as fuck. Aha. Moneen and Kevin Devine supported. Moneen were unbelievable. Graham and Mark are class.

I set up a small independant record label with my friend Alex and Graham. We released our first CD, which was the RAN mini album. The launch night was really class.

I ended up kissing, and subsequently asking out, the girl that this blog is definitely not about. Shes the best thing in my life. She's really gotten me through the last few months. I get to spend alot of time with her too, which I didnt think I would. Being at college in Dundalk is a hindrence, but we make it work. Both of us are going to Boston for the summer. It should be great. Im excited to spend it with her.

I became friend with lots of class people, drifted away from others, and became closer to others. I wouldnt change it, at all.

I started playing football and tennis again. I wish I could still play hurling.

I rang in the New Year with people ive met this year, which ruled. We had a snowball fight. I hope we can have more.

Life is pretty class.

December.

Im not at home anymore
Im not even sure if I have one
My father is a crippled old man
Writhing in the body that will someday be mine.
I cant sleep, and its a fight to exist
So I sit up reading Bukowski in vans
On hills shadowed with a time when we cared.

August 3rd 2009

Was just a little short of a month ago. Its now September and im starting college next Wednesday. Ill be studying Cultural and Film Studies. Im looking forward to it I guess. Im scared and all that jazz but fuck it. Its time to do something productive with my life.

Speaking of which, between my last post and this, Gajjy, Alex and I released RAN's mini album and its class. Buy it off the band so they can record more deadly stuff. The night was really good too, thanks to anyone who made it out, despite the fact it was midweek and all. It was pretty packed.

On August 3rd, my favourite person and me sorted something we should have a long time ago. Ive never been more happy in my life, but the city has never seemed further away. Im going to miss her alot. So much. I wish I wasnt shit at life and was going to college in Dublin with her. Shes living with my mate though, so ill be able to stay loads hopefully. We were in town yesterday and we had an argument. The whold way through she stood with her arms on my collarbone and looked at me. Ive never had an argument where I felt completely at ease with the other person. I know she thinks ill lose interest because shes away, but its completely the opposite. I know how lucky I am to have someone in my life that I care that much about. Its class.

Brand New's new album is the best shit ever. Represent.

So lately...

Things have been amazing. The last 9 days have changed so much about... everything. I went to Have Heart last Wednesday and it was an amazing day. They are the absolute best band and I owe alot of me changing to them, and I guess, hardcore in general. They are also a band that the girl 90% of this blog is about, and I, bonded over I suppose. We both love them. We hung out all day before it, just being messers in Stephens Green and stuff. We met up with Noonan later and headed to the show for the buzz. I moshed hard for Forced Out and Famine. Easily two of my favourite bands. Famine are the best band in Ireland. During Rise and Fall I just chilled at the back with Shauna. Shipwreck were too delicious. Have Heart were next and it was a pretty amazing experience. They played everything I would have wanted to here, even No Roses, No Skies. Afterwards Shauna, Noonan and I headed for our lifts/bus. In the shop grabbing some tins of coke, Shauna kissed me. To be honest, it was class aha. We walked on for a bit and she kissed me again. It was kinda surreal in my mind.

The 8 days that followed were some of the best of my life. Hanging out, being saps, just enjoying each others company. Two years of prologue. Stupid decisions on my part. Eventually we got it right. Shes gone away for two weeks now and I miss her alot already. When she gets back and goes to college I hope we can do this properly. I havent stopped smiling since that night, and I dont intend on doing so anytime soon.

Ive never wanted anything so bad.
Nothing will ever be the same again.


Im doing a 35 mile cycle for charity tomorrow. Wish me luck. Im probably going to pass out but fuck it. Its for a good cause. Tomorrow night is a really good friend of mines 21st. Im really looking forward to it. Im gonna try fill the next two weeks with as much as I can to make it go quick. I know people will probably think im a sap for writing this but I couldnt care less. Im seriously so genuinely happy for the first time in so long. I hope it stays like this for a long time.

The Wonder Years are playing next Thursday and Friday. Stall it.

Carptastrophe

I need you more than I ever thought...

That I could need someone else.

No matter how hard I try to claim that im not, I really am my Fathers son. The last couple days have fucking torn me up inside, and brought me from highest to lowest ebb. I cant take this shit anymore. I cant even ask for answers anymore, because I know what they'll all be. I cant stand the thoughts that are going through my mind right now. Every single fucking outcome possible, and all of them end up the same.


These white walls arent canvas anymore
But a bleak reminder of how its all ill ever be
Empty like the cavernous home that surrounds me.
I cant help but think of every single possible outcome
From this series of my worst mistakes
A family portrait with a different face.
For once I thought id got it right
The nights I screamed that I wanted someone to remember
Were now nights I screamed for someone I cant forget.
And all im left with is my stereo telling me
That Life is Hard Enough as it is
Without walking away from what you love
But knowing you could be forever
And not being able to achieve it
Despite all the promises we made
And everything ive done
drives me to be my Fathers Son.



FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

So...

Last night was the best ive felt in probably years. Perfect.

It only took me a matter of hours to shatter that. I had to say everything I did though. I dont like having things unsaid. It would have been easy for me to carry on like everything was so perfect. I would have been relatively happy. I dont like to settle for something though. I know youll read this. Dont settle for a safe bet. Long shots are generally more fun. Place a little money, or faith on a long shot, and you could become very rich. Hedge your bets on a safe one, and continue in mediocrity. I know what id choose. So do you, I think. But youre scared. And I dont blame you. Just, last night surely proved to you what ive been saying for so long.